Giving Constructive Feedback Doesn’t Have to be Painful
December 9, 2022
Giving constructive feedback can be tough, no doubt. Unfortunately, it is made far worse than it needs to be by the typical ways that we are taught to do it (expressly or through example). Ways that often aren't constructive and sometimes are even harmful – to the provider of the feedback, the receiver, and the organization as a whole. What if we could jettison those old school methods completely and actually make feedback not only truly constructive, but less anxiety-inducing for the supervisor and the employee?
Reframe the whole thing in your mind: this is a conversation about a mutual problem to solve, not telling the employee they’ve screwed up. 95% of the time*, managers go into the “conversation” with the mindset that they are delivering feedback on what they have observed or determined is a problem. Do away with that mindset completely -- it only makes it stressful for everyone involved.
Your job is not to deliver feedback anyway. Your job is to have an actual empathetic conversation with another professional about an issue that seems to have cropped up that is affecting the organization. This is a mutual problem to solve. That means you’ll be looking to get their take on the situation and listen to them, you’ll need to be 1000% open to completely changing your perspective of what you thought was going on, and you’ll need to talk about what commitments you’re going to make to support the employee and mutually clear this hurdle. Assume there’s a process or systems issue or even a you issue before you assume incompetence on the part of the employee.
Of course this does mean that you might hear that you are (part of) the problem. Accept that their interpretation or memory of events might be completely different from yours, and allow yourself the flexibility to change your mindset, feedback, and solutions accordingly. Their lived experience is just as real to them as yours is to you. Stay open to reinterpreting the situation. Talk about mutual commitments going forward.
Framing the whole thing as a mutual problem to solve now puts you and your employee on the same team and de-personalizes the situation a bit. It deflates a good deal of the tension in the room, for both of you, and it smooths a lot of ruts in the road ahead.
(Side note: If the problem is actually something to do with the employee's personal life affecting their work performance, then that is a different topic, and solutions are situation and organization-specific.)
* Not an actual statistic.
Ask yourself, do I actually need to give this feedback at all? Too often, we are taught that we are duty-bound to point out every slip-up. Consider not giving the feedback at all until and unless you've noticed a pattern. Everyone has an off day, misses an email, forgets a meeting, stumbles in their communication, etc. Maybe they genuinely did something the wrong way or not as well as they could have -- does that really mean it MUST be brought up? What if they do it well 99% of the time? Try to take yourself out of it too – are you hyped up about it because it was something that was maybe important or interesting to you but not actually so important to the big picture or to their overall responsibilities?
If the feedback is necessary, consider the timing. Yes, you want it to be as timely as possible so they don't feel like you've been harboring this, but you also don't want to deliver it when they may be stressed, exhausted, burned out, etc. (or when you may be feeling that way). Plus, a pause gives you time to reflect on how necessary it is to even have the conversation.
Helpful Conversation Starters. Sometimes this is the hardest part, and it can set the whole tone. You don’t need to do that old school thing of thinking of something positive to say first – it always sounds contrived and often lands as patronizing. Try these instead. . . .
“Normally you’re totally on top of X, and I’ve noticed it slipping the last few weeks. Is everything ok? Are you running into any issues I can help with?” [Instead of: “I’ve noticed X is slipping the last few weeks.”]
“I noticed X was done a different way from usual. Can you help me understand the strategy behind that so I can make sure I’m supporting you the right way?” [Instead of: “I noticed you didn’t do X the way it’s supposed to be done/the way I wanted it done.”]
“It seems like communication is a little rockier between us than it usually is. I think I’m probably failing to match my delivery with my intentions. Have you noticed that too, and is there anything I can do to make it better?” [Instead of: “Your communication has been poor lately.” Or “Your tone with me has been inappropriate.”]
In all of those examples above, you're putting your responsibility in the situation front and center, assuming the best of your employee, and setting a tone that makes them feel more comfortable to open up to you about the problem and to make their own commitments to solving it.
On Defensiveness. We are often told that we need to be “direct” with employees, lest we be deemed “weak” managers who let things slide. We think we need to gravely deliver “direct” feedback, and the employee needs to sit there and smile sweetly and say “yes, of course, you are absolutely right, thank you for this opportunity to learn and grow, I won’t do it again,” end of “conversation.” If the employee tries to participate in the "conversation" in any other way, their input is deemed "defensive," with a very negative connotation. I use "conversation" in quotes on purpose -- this style of feedback obviously isn't a conversation -- it's a soliloquy.
Let's let go of that hang-up around "getting defensive.” It's a massively unfair burden to the employee and defies all basic human nature. It is neurologically impossible. Demonizing defensiveness in employees usually ends up functioning as a way for managers to avoid being held accountable and to assuage their own guilt or feelings of insecurity. Remember, this is a conversation. If you don’t let them participate in the conversation, you have learned nothing about what’s actually going on, have solved nothing, and have only succeeded in obliterating trust. Them sharing their take on the situation, adding context, explaining where they need more support, and letting you know where you might have let them down isn’t “getting defensive” – it is a critically necessary part of the conversation.
Remember, it is good to be candid and clear. But there is a big difference between “being direct,” as in the opposite of passive aggressive or subversive, and “being direct,” as in delivering feedback poorly with no allowance for mutual conversation. How many times have you heard some version of, “I’m disappointed you can’t handle me being direct with you”?
Right now, you might be thinking, "well what about me and my reaction to their feedback of me?". As the boss, the one who holds more power and privilege in this context, the burden is really on you to make space for them. That said, if you've set a tone of mutual problem-solving, and if you're openly and actively finding ways that you can participate in the solution, then it's ok (and not "defensive" of you), to explain what you were trying to do, acknowledge that it didn't land, and work out ways to make it better. All of this can also function as coaching for them -- so that they can follow the model you've set and also give you the benefit of the doubt.
Make space for people to be human beings. Expect that the conversation, despite your best intentions, might go sideways or that strong emotions could come into play. The employee might very well be upset, angry, sad, frustrated, etc. -- what you say may not land the way you intended it or might be triggering. Own that. Tell them that, while you meant "X," you see that it didn't land that way at all and that you're sorry.
Don’t insist that saying “I’m telling this to help you” or “I mean this as constructive, not critical” forces them in any way to feel any other way than they end up feeling, which might very well be negative. Those words might feel hollow to them in the moment and might only aggravate an already fraught situation.
Let the person respond however they respond. Maybe their neural systems aren't up to "perfection" in communication at that moment. They might not have been prepared for this, and they need more grace than you right now. They might be dealing with mental health issues that make it impossible to respond the way they’d like to in this exact moment. If they need to cry, do not, in your head or in your conversation, deem that to be inappropriate or unprofessional. (Yes, emotions are ok at work -- they're part of being a human, not a computer). If they need a minute, give it to them. Do not force them to “be ok” just to make yourself comfortable. Let folks cool off, sleep on it, talk it out with “their person” or therapist – give folks a fighting chance to craft an objective response, resolution, or solution. And don’t force them to take on your emotional burdens by telling them how hard this is for you.
It's ok. If you're working hard to set an open culture of mutual trust, you can both come back from this. Life happens. None of us is perfect.
